How to nurture health-giving relationships. (Relationships part II)
What makes for healthy relationships.
People who are in harsh social environments, characterized by cold, conflictual or neglectful interactions, have higher risks of prolonged illness and early death. In contrast, people engaged in warm and supportive relationships enjoy long-term benefits for health and longevity (12). The quality of our relationships matters when it comes to health outcomes
Psychological research classifies relationship in 4 categories (14):
Positive: interactions that facilitate successful relationship maintenance and growth such as helpful support and guidance.
Negative: interactions that involve conflict, insensitivity, and interference that are generally detrimental to relationships.
Ambivalent: mix of both.
Indifferent: low in both (found in its extreme form in sociopathic individuals).
In a study looking at telomere length, Uchino and colleagues found the number of ambivalent relationships was the most predictive of greater cellular aging, particularly in women, suggesting that the relationships that are not overall positive might make us age faster (19).
Indeed, evidence exists that negative social interactions may be more impactful than positive ones. A 3-to-1 ratio of positive to negative emotions has been found to promote well being. Similarly, in parenting, it has been found that positive interactions should be expressed at least twice as much as negative ones for children's well-being (20). Finally, Dr. Gottman found that marriages thrive at a ratio of 5 to 1.
The relationships that are not overall positive might make us age faster.
A model for healthy relationships
In a fascinating conversation with Lex Fridman (episode #191), Daniel Schmachtenberger advocates for an optimization of the Compassion-Compersion axis to achieve “healthy human bonding”.
Compassion is when people experience emotional pain when others are suffering. Compersion is rejoicing over someone’s well being, successes and other positive experiences: it’s being genuinely happy about others happiness. It is often described as the opposite of jealousy and envy.
How we can nurture relationships
Learning about non violent communication, I realized that the way we communicate in relationships (the emotions we let out, the way we tend to blame others instead of being able to express our needs) is often what creates relationship fractures and drifts. Without the tools offered in empathic communication, we’re left to reproduce the communication we’ve seen at play in our role models growing up, or to our own devices, resorting to passive-aggressive behaviors.
In principle, non violent communication teaches us to make observations where we most often create judgment and is about understanding how our feelings are an expression of unfulfilled needs. The next step for empathic communication is to create a request to get to the heart of the matter.
The principles of this technique are simple. Yet, in the middle of an interaction, it can be incredibly challenging to put in practice. It takes self-awareness and being able to notice emotional reactivity when receiving, and the practice of labeling your own thoughts and recognizing judgment and other biases.
Figure 1: the 4 components of non-violent communication. Download here.
Even with the tools in this method, and other techniques that may be similar, it can be incredibly challenging to avoid emotional reactions, unhelpful arguing, blaming, and any number of behaviors that hurt relationships: whether we talk about the relationships with our coworkers, our spouse, or our children.
In my experience, neural and psychosomatic pathways created through childhood trauma tend to get activated in specific relational contexts. For example, some of my triggers are: feeling overwhelmed, a loud environment (I have noticed that when my child is crying or screaming, I become unable to process if my spouse is talking to me at the same time), and a display of anger from my husband. In these situations, my inner wounded child tends to take over.
Childhood trauma influences how we show up in relationships as adults. And sadly, adverse childhood experiences, which can lead to trauma, are incredibly prevalent, as mentioned in Relationships part I.
In addition to our personal history, attitudes can hurt relationships. Once aware of such attitudes, it becomes possible to show up differently. Examples of attitudes that hurt relationships include:
Judgment. Judgment drives shame and emotional suffering. Asking “what happened?” to a child, instead of “what’s wrong with you?” makes a huge difference in terms of emotional impact. In terms of communication, open questions (How, What) rather than closed questions (Was there, Did you, Have you) foster a less judgmental dialog.
Lying and concealing. Even with good intentions, lies hurt trust and make for an unhealthy relationship. Honesty drives trust, which is a key for thriving communities.
Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. These attitudes have been found to predict 90% of divorces by Dr. Gottman, such that he called them the “four horsemen of apocalypse”.
Jealousy, envy.
If unhealthy communication skills and attitudes can hurt relationships, then picking up better communication skills and changing our behavior can build relationships.
Attitudes that foster healthy relationships include:
Love. Love is something that can be kindled in our intimate relationships as well as our interactions with people we barely know. Being able to love each others would help us transcend our human nature, as Jesus and Buddha remind us.
Mindfulness. In his book “The art of communicating” Thich Naht Hanh describes the healing quality brought to several relationships through mindfulness.
Listening with curiosity and open mindedness, with the intention to understand the other person’s perspective.
Empathy, compassion and compersion. This starts with self-compassion. It has been shown that an attitude of self-compassion through failure and adversity leads to more successful outcomes.
When having awareness and an intention for deeper connection, it is possible to learn research-based methods to happier relationships: have relationship goals.
When having awareness and an intention for deeper connection, it is possible to learn research-based methods to happier relationships: have relationship goals.
These attitudes fostering positive relationships need to stem within ourselves. You know the saying “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Being aware of our needs and showing ourselves the attitudes of kindness and compassion, letting ourselves be truly happy and looking at our own behavior without judgment are key to bringing such attitudes towards others.
How childhood trauma shows up in relationships.
Traumatic experiences from childhood leave a life-long imprint that can manifest in adult relationships. Becoming aware of it and healing is a process that can be difficult.
I grew up as a parentified child and it has impacted my ability to be close to someone my whole adult life, such that I believed for a long time that I would be alone. The first time I heard about attachment theory was sometimes circa 2015 and I immediately identified myself in the avoidant style, due to my upbringing and the parenting practices that were the norm in France at the time.
As I gained awareness and understanding of my past throughout the years, I have found more peace. Before that, I harbored some resentment towards my parents, and some anger that often inexplicably came out in my interactions with them, when I was younger. I went through different phases. As I got older, I forgave them. They themselves are suffering, were abused and neglected children who didn’t heal. They also became parents quite young. Back in the 80s when I was born, there was no internet with access to positive and responsive parenting blogs or youtube videos that helped young parents with emotional regulation.
Additionally to my experience as a parentified child, my parents’ behaviors and emotional immaturity have impacted me greatly. Scoring 5 out of 10 on the ACE, I definitely used to fit the risk profile. I was smoking, drinking excessively, I was depressed and I have struggled with intimate relationships and my self-esteem.
Fortunately, the depression and substance misuse are behind me now, thanks to the longevity lifestyle I embraced.
But in relationships, I have alternatively been with toxic people and have been the toxic person, I have hurt others more times than I would like to admit. Today, I have to create new behaviors in my marriage. I want to grow old with my husband. And, with my relationship background, this will require some healing, some awareness and doing some things differently.
Due to my upbringing, I have developed counter-dependency behavior to cope. Outside of the psychology jargon, what it means for me is that I have a deep rooted difficulty to trust that my partner will take care of me. This creates a feeling of insecurity and sometimes shows up in ways that are difficult for him to understand and that are mostly unconscious to me.
As a result of growing up parentified, there is a belief inside of me that I can’t depend on him for big or small tasks. It has been a recurring theme in my relationship with my husband, particularly since we became parents 2 years ago.
Parentified children also lack the trust that they can lean on others for comfort or consolation, which hurts the emotional openness and vulnerability an intimate relationship needs to thrive.
If you have difficulty being close to someone, tend not to ask for help, find it hard to relax and are addicted to activities, there is a chance you have a “counter-dependency” behavior that comes from coping in childhood.
If you have difficulty being close to someone, tend not to ask for help, find it hard to relax and are addicted to activities, there is a chance you have a “counter-dependency” behavior that comes from coping in childhood.
Conclusion and resources.
Training to become a coach I have learned a lot about communication. I strive to provide support and understanding. I practice mindful and non-judgemental listening. Ever since I trained in the art and science of coaching, I have sharpened my ability to connect with people at a deep level, something I was already practicing in customer service.
However, in my private life, my family ties are ambivalent, due to trauma. Working on this article for the past month was for me an opportunity to confront some behaviors that have caused a lot of pain in my life. Being able to share parts of my story was my attempt at being more vulnerable. In doing so, I have found more peace. I am better able to see myself for the wounded person that I am, so I can let go of it.
With adverse childhood events being so prevalent, it is safe to assume that most of the people we interact with on a daily basis, have suffered some kind of neglect or abuse.
With this in mind, it becomes easier to approach others with compassion. We are all suffering.
For me, the way to heal relationships is through self-awareness and compersion. Because relationship goals are part of my personal longevity protocol for 2022, I am working on improving my communication skills at home and taking more responsibility. As a parent, enhancing connection and intimacy in my marriage requires more conscious effort.
To protect the time I spend with my daughter and be fully present, I am also creating more boundaries. Although I need more discipline, I have decided to put my phone away and I no longer keep my laptop open and accessible on the days I am home with her. It is challenging for me to not work, due to this deeply rooted coping mechanism I have developed as a child.
But I learn to surrender and having stronger boundaries has made a big difference in the quality of the time I spend with my daughter.
As I write these words, I am confident that what I am doing today will allow for the family portrait to get bigger.
What are some of your relationship goals for this year?
Recommended books:
Non-violent communication, by Marshall Rosenberg
The art of communicating, by Thich Nhat Hanh
The body keeps the score, by Bessel Von Der Kolk
